Mothers & Sons

How many young girls grew up wanting to emulate men? How many girls made heroes out of the movers and shakers of politics, business, and clergy? I’m inclined to believe it is a relatively common experience. Given America’s commitment to sexism and patriarchy, anecdotes and images of success will be skewed towards examples of men. Concurrently, girls have heroines as well. These heroines have braved adversity and resisted being sequestered into a role that is more fitting of tradition than self-determination. These women are the embodiment of a feminine ideal. 

To contrast, can the same be said about men? How many boys grow up with women as heroines? Better still, how many boys retain heroines as they mature into adulthood? The simple exercise of having (and retaining) a role model of a different gender is far more likely for ½ of the population. I don’t know the reasons why. That is beyond my expertise and resources, however, I do want to consider the implications of potentially having such differing experiences. 

I’m going to specifically focus on mothers and sons. I think many boys looked up to their mothers. This seems to be a common sentiment unless neglect or trauma has been perpetuated. Mothers are the source of life to an infant, without them the child would die. Mothers continue to care for their sons, and these boys in receiving love from this woman allows her to be highly esteemed, a near deification. Until her care extends beyond what the boy desires. Once that happens, she is pushed away. The memory of her care remains, and will resurface when the boy is ill or is in need beyond himself. To simplify, one mark of transitioning to manhood is to be able to set the terms of love from a woman who once held a preeminent status. 

This process of the first woman being everything and later relegated to being utilized only when the man deems her necessary has the potential to create a troubling thought pattern, sub-consciously or deliberately. The shift away from total dependence to elective personnel is a sign of human development, but housed within sexism, a subtle transfer of power occurs between mother and son. The legacy of a mother’s care remains but so does the memory of her weakness as the boy strengthens into a man. To say it another way, I’m inclined to believe that a boy makes his entrance into manhood by sapping the power of women. We can observe this phenomena in a variety of contexts. 

If the most sacred woman that will always hold a place in the boys heart can be dismissed to an option, what hope is there for a new heroine? If a woman’s might can easily be disregarded by the indifference of a man and extinguished by the solidarity of men, is she even worthy of veneration? What is a heroine who can’t resist patriarchy? There’s a paradox at play. A woman who is worthy of being followed must be able to resist patriarchy while men try to uphold their own power and privilege. What can raise a woman’s value is when her strength demonstrates itself within the confines of caring for her progeny. Then praise and honor can be bestowed to this woman who has become mother made flesh once again. Praise and honor is not respect. To praise and honor someone does not make them worthy of emulation. Regrettably, when a man has assigned value to a woman based on her anatomy/physiology and her adherence to socialization, it would be impossible for a man to be like her. With this in mind why should a man aspire towards this unreachable ideal? In order to follow a woman would mean to become a woman. Which is a non-starter for most men, however, women are expected to do just this, and have, despite the constant male solidarity that would seek to steal their power. 

So I ask the men reading this post, who are the women you really look up to? If you’re having a hard time, I would encourage you to ponder why that is the case. 

Author’s Note:

This is intended to be a critique of male misperception. I recognize that I’m making sweeping generalizations but I also recognize the power of socialization. This may not apply to every man but that does not mean this does not apply to any man. I hope this post makes all of us reflect on the ways in which we love or think we are loving. I also set this up within a cis-gender framework. The complexity of transgender, as well as intersections of race, and faith makes this topic that much more complex and worthy of further investigation.